Learning from diverse manifestations of the phenomenon of tentativeness

For over 20 years I have experienced something which prevents me from ‘showing up’ in certain professional situations. I call this phenomena ‘tentativeness’. Prior to undertaking this research, tentativeness and I had a relationship of reluctant forced cohabitation. Tentativeness had become such an established part of my life that I had just accepted and accommodated it. This thesis is a powerful declaration of my own identity, where I no longer accept my tentativeness as an inevitable (and limiting) part of my life. Through engaging with various autoethnographic activities, I have started to unravel the individual fibres of my tentativeness. I have precisely situated it and created a filtration system that allows me to proactively engage with and explore the dominant manifestation of my tentativeness which is a constant internal self-questioning. My research design was wholly autoethnographic: the auto component of which comprised a combination of historic experience reflection and analysis with present ‘in the moment’ self-awareness activities. This allowed me to see value in previous experiences that I had hitherto refused to acknowledge whilst learning more about my current tentativeness. The ethnos component of my research was conducted through a series of case studies with individuals where I sought to gain insight as to how the phenomenon of tentativeness manifests in the lives of others and what engagement approaches they have that I might be able to learn from. A core finding is my arrival at an understanding that my tentativeness does not align to common definitions of anxiety but instead is more closely linked to rumination and overthinking. A further finding from the case studies suggested tentativeness may be somewhat ubiquitous. The four case studies I engaged with all experienced tentativeness, however each interpreted and ‘used’ it a different way. Whilst my own (adapted as a result of this research) approach could be considered collaborative, theirs could similarly be labelled confrontational, restorative, imperative and formative. Their insight allowed me to view tentativeness to a greater depth than ever before and for us to jointly appreciate ‘tentativeness’ as an umbrella term which manifests differently for many individuals. The aim of my research is to support self-awareness and growth in my own practice, whilst supporting my close community of learning professionals and those in distant communities. I hope this autoethnographic piece of work will contribute to widening understanding of the phenomenon of tentativeness.